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Spoiling grandkids rotten is many grandparents’ favorite part of having a grandchild. Creating those big moments and buying those exciting gifts can be a downright blast. As an uncle, buying my nieces and nephews overpriced junk that makes them shriek with joy is basically my favorite pastime. I can only imagine how much fun this is when you’re elderly and actually have money to throw around.

However, according to science, this isn’t the stuff that kids remember. When you’ve left this mortal coil and all your grandchildren have left of you are memories, it’s not gifts or events that stick. It’s the stuff a lot of us take for granted.

Here’s what your grandchildren will remember about you long after you’re gone, according to research.

What we retain about the people who shape our lives as kids is governed by a psychological concept called “autobiographical memory.” It’s based on the notion that most of us remember very little before the age of 3, which is sometimes referred to as “childhood amnesia.”

Starting at about the age of 2 and lasting until about the age of 8, however, is a period when children’s memories rapidly develop and deepen. Scientists say the memories formed are not only more detailed, but they also last longer. (Which really makes the whole childhood trauma issue make a lot more sense, doesn’t it?)

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So it stands to reason, then, that the more detailed experiences and events of childhood are the ones that stick the longest. And as anyone who’s watched a kid tear open a gift, then immediately throw it to the side so they can open the next one, can attest, the thrill of something like a new toy is pretty finite.

: 11 Things A Truly Loving Grandparent Will Always Do For Their Grandchild

Kids remember small moments of connection with grandparents more than gifts or events.

Speaking to The New York TimesEmory University cognitive developmental psychologist Dr. Patricia Bauer said that what sticks with kids more than anything is “a memory of positive relationships.”

“(It’s) a sense in the child that, ‘There are people in the world who love and understand me, even if I’m not my best self. Who I can turn to when I’m stressed. People support me; people will help me,'” she went on to say.

In short, it’s the inclusion and connection, not the gifts or elaborate trips to Disney, that people remember about their grandparents (and their gift-buying uncles, apparently). TikTok creator @morethangrandwho makes content on how to be a better grandparent, put it this way: “What they actually remember … (is) the way you always let them help make pancakes, even when the flour gets everywhere. The time you spend in the garden teaching them the names of all the plants.”

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Kids also form more vivid memories when their grandparents recount connections in detail.

Grandparents (or aunts and uncles and, presumably, parents too) can also have a hand in engineering what their kids remember, from the sounds of it. Bauer told the Times’ Paula Span that simply reminiscing with her grandkids about “that time we went to the beach” isn’t particularly impactful.

But getting specific about the trip — what psychologists call “high elaborative style — and reminiscing about the way the seagulls were flying, how big the waves were, the smell of the hot dogs from the hot dog stand, and the look of the sand castle you built, helps cement memories in kids’ heads and remind them of this precious connection.

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My grandparents were all either deceased or too old to do much by the time I came along, but I had an aunt who doted on me the way a grandmother would and treated me like the sun shone out of my you-know-where.

But it occurs to me as I think about all this: She never really bought me gifts or took me on any grand adventures. This “doting” relationship in which she “spoiled” me had virtually nothing to do with buying things or planning events. Rather, it was about playing cards and practical jokes, learning to make my great-great-great-grandma’s cookies, playing Marco Polo in the pool, and, most of all, her being the safe space in a childhood mostly devoid of them.

So I guess these scientists know what they’re talking about. My Aunt Kris is gone now, and I couldn’t tell you a single thing she bought me. But I remember how she made me feel and who she helped shape me to be. And thank God because all these Skibidi Toilet toys and Squishmallows I’ve been buying for my brothers’ kids are bleeding my wallet dry!

: 11 Small Things Kids Don’t Notice About Their Parents Until They Become An Adult

John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.